The X-Files - S9:E14 "Scary Monsters"

[ S9:E13 "Improbable" <<< Season 9 >>> S9:E15 "Jump The Shark" ]

Do you believe? Great title for an episode, right? The creepy opener has a real "monsters under the bed" kinda atmosphere. And when the dad holds the door shut on the kid, I'm thinking of Aliens, when Burke locks the facehugger in with Ripley and Newt.

This episode's got several things going for it. The unexpected return of Agent Leyla Harrison (who is as cute as ever, but more annoying than I remember her). A pseudo-metaphor about a bug infestation standing in for monster attacks. A car ignition spurting blood. Agents trapped in a house during a snowstorm. Monsters that behave like gremlins (e.g., sabotaging electronics). A boy with strange powers, like something out of the Twilight Zone. And the clever usage of Doggett's skepticism as a weapon against a monster that relies on belief.

And then it has some things not doing it any favors. To start with, it's written by Thomas Schnauz - the same person who wrote Lord of the Flies, which doesn't inspire much confidence. Scully's scenes serve no other purpose than to provide humor (also like in that other episode). There's one scene that seems to be trying to play digging up a dead cat for laughs, and I'm thinking - this series hasn't been this far over the line of bad taste since Badlaa (but at least in that episode, you got less of a feeling that it was trying to be funny, instead of just unsettling - which it accomplished). And then there's the bad CG effects (an 8 year old's drawing of the monsters is better). Plus, though giant bugs as monsters is more realistic (at least from my perspective), it's not as imaginative as something, well...more monstrous.

Mix it all together, and you get a halfway decent episode - one that's not great, but not as bad as Lord of the Flies was. The inside references (to D.P.O. and Field Trip) are not as plentiful coming from a less experienced staffer than Frank Spotnitz (who wrote Alone, which was the last episode that Leyla Harrison appeared in). And the brief attempts at self-aware deconstruction don't compare to what came from the tortured genius of Darin Morgan, or even Vince Gilligan, in some of his funnier moments.

Furthermore, Leyla's signing off on Doggett (and, by extension, Reyes) as Mulder and Scully's replacements at the end is a little heavy-handed, considering her role as audience surrogate. It's a bit too much like putting words in our mouths. I like Doggett and Reyes enough (especially Doggett, although Reyes has grown on me this season), but I'm not ready to write Mulder and Scully off completely - I don't think I'll ever be.

I do like the little commentary thrown in at the end about how television kills the imagination. Although, I would agree with it only to a certain extent. For some, zombification does indeed seem to be a real consequence. But for us creative types, I find that my imagination is actually stimulated by watching fictional media (it's the difference between finishing an episode and wanting to analyze/discuss it, and just wanting to put the next episode on). I guess the trick is to take it in moderation (which is obviously not what's happening at the end of this episode), and not everyone has that kind of self-control.

It's the Antlion!

Memorable quotes:

Tommy: No such thing as monsters.

Leyla Harrison: I apologize. I let my imagination run wild, and I ruined both your evenings. Thank you in advance for not yelling at me.

Leyla Harrison: What would Agents Mulder and Scully do if they were in this situation?
Doggett: Agents Mulder and Scully aren't in this situation. Agents Doggett and Reyes are.

(Even the meta-commentary is feeling less inspired).

Dad: Come on, you saw what happens. You think you've killed one. And then, it becomes two.

(This is my fear every time I encounter a pest in the home. Killing it doesn't bring satisfaction so much as the creeping anxiety that there might be more, hiding just out of sight).

Tommy: You're just trying to scare me.
Doggett: (Lights a match). Scared yet?

Leyla Harrison: Your lack of imagination saved our lives.
Doggett: Gee, thanks.

The X-Files - S9:E5 "Lord of the Flies"

[ S9:E4 "4-D" <<< Season 9 >>> S9:E6 "Trust No 1" ]

It's remarkable (and not a little bit sad) that, just within the space of a single season, I've gone from comparing this show to the first season, when it was dark and fresh and just spreading its wings, to (now) the seventh season, when it was tired and silly and had jumped the shark. I guess we've moved beyond the era when it was the outside writers who could most competently capture the classic atmosphere of the show - now that the old guard has gone back to writing serious episodes, it seems that the freelance writers are only now catching up to the wacky mood of the fifth, sixth, and seventh seasons. As such, this "high school drama" episode about a teenage outcast with strange powers borrows more from the ridiculousness of Syzygy, than the more serious approach of episodes like D.P.O., or Rush (or even Schizogeny, which I seem to have liked better than the average viewer).

It starts in the worst possible way, with an opener that plays like a demo tape for a reality show called Dumbass, which is clearly a knockoff of Jackass. For the first, but not the last time, I ask...why? The reality approach and the crossover feeling can't help reminding one of X-COPS (although that was a better episode). That the main dumbass (but not the show's idiot host, who insists on being called "Sky Commander Winky" - again...why?) ends up dead by the time the opening credits roll is to be expected, but the mildly strange way in which his head gets smashed in really doesn't go far enough in justifying why this is an X-File. As it starts in earnest, I'm left wondering, is this episode going to be even worse than Fight Club? I wouldn't go that far, but it is pretty bad. I struggled to maintain enough interest to sit it out all the way through to the end.

The paranormal aspect turns out to have nothing whatsoever to do with the Dumbass reel - other than establishing a base for the teenage antics around which the episode's drama revolves - leaving me once again to ask...why? It's about a "bug whisperer" (like Aburame Shino from Naruto), which is a cool enough premise, but the episode is bogged down with too many tired cliches. Over-bearing mother? Check. Puberty metaphor? Check. (Though, while we're on the subject of metaphors, this is a perfect example of why it's a bad idea to wait until it's too late to give your kid the sex talk). High school students in their twenties? Check. An unlikely love story between an awkward freak and a relatively hot girl? Check.

And then there's this absurdly narcissistic doctor (we're talking Gilderoy Lockhart levels, here), who spends the whole episode creeping on Scully. (To be fair, that "electro-antenna-gram" is pretty clever, but all this talk of pheromones makes me wish this episode had been more along the lines of Piers Anthony's Firefly). For that matter, Scully looks even more made up than usual - like she's an actress instead of an FBI agent or a doctor (let alone a new mother), which brings attention to the fact that I'm watching a TV show. I'm sorry, but not even making copious references to Syd Barrett (including samples of his music!) is enough to salvage this episode - and that's saying a lot, coming from someone whose favorite band in high school was Pink Floyd. I'd rather watch Badlaa again, as tasteless as that episode was.

Why?

Memorable quotes:

Scully: Judging from the amount of insect feces in the ear and nasal cavities, it appears that they fed at such a furious rate that it caused the boy's skull to collapse from the inside.

(Oh my god, this is so ridiculous. It speaks for itself).

Doggett: I think I just solved this case. This kid had crap for brains; the flies couldn't resist.

Doggett: This isn't just stupid, this is glorification of stupid.

Doggett: I've said it before and I'll say it again: the whole reason this case is attracting flies is because somebody's full of crap.

(Thank you, Doggett, for talking sense in an otherwise ridiculous episode).

The X-Files - S7:E18 "Brand X"

[ S7:E17 "all things" <<< Season 7 >>> S7:E19 "Hollywood A.D." ]

And, the season continues it's on-again off-again pattern of alternating experimental episodes with traditional freaks-of-the-week. And, yet again, we have outside writers to thank for taking the show back to its dark and straightforward roots. The synopsis for this episode reads an awful lot like season 2's F. Emasculata - the agents investigate a corporate conspiracy involving a tobacco company (none other than the one manufacturing the Morley brand of cigarettes) and disease-transmitting insects - but manages to avoid feeling like a copycat (no prison break, no epidemic storyline). It's really more like a dead serious version of War of the Coprophages. It also features a lot of Skinner on duty outside the office, which is always a pleasure to see. (As an aside, it may simply be because the case contains some unexplained, potentially X-Filey qualities, but it's nice to know that when Skinner's under fire from the director to solve a case post haste, he relies on Mulder and Scully as his best agents). Tobin Bell is magnificently intimidating as a scientific guinea pig who chain smokes a deadly brand of cigarettes, causing Mulder to contract what must be the worst case of secondhand smoke in history. And the freak itself - or rather, monster - while being nothing more unearthly than a crop of genetically modified tobacco beetles, still manages to be creepy mainly in terms of how it kills. This episode is probably your best bet for gross-out episode of the season.

Memorable quotes:

Mulder: Rough night?
Skinner: It's shaping up to be a rougher morning.

Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?
(Mulder & Skinner flash their FBI badges)
Receptionist (unfazed): Do you have an appointment?
(Mulder & Skinner flash their badges again)
Skinner: Maybe you missed this the first time around.

(Oh, this is just a hilarious scene - two agencies trying to wield power over the other, neither one willing to give. It feels like it's been a long time since the show featured this kind of serious, straight-faced humor).

Dr. Voss: We knew people were never gonna stop smoking, no matter how unhealthy it was. So why not genetically engineer a safer cigarette?

Darryl Weaver: I'm a regular damn scientific marvel.

Scully: You're not gonna start smoking...
Mulder: They say the addiction is stronger than heroin.

The X-Files - S5:E19 "Folie a Deux"

[ S5:E18 "The Pine Bluff Variant" <<< Season 5 >>> S5:E20 "The End" ]

We're back to classic sci-fi/horror in this episode about a telemarketer who starts hallucinating that his boss is a giant mantid (Mimic anyone?) turning his employees into brainless zombie pod people. You can't blame him for going crazy working a job like that - didn't we see something like this in the episode Blood? And like that other season 2 episode, The Host, Mulder thinks Skinner's jerking him around again (although with less reason this time). Mulder (whose pinky is still healing from last week - nice continuity!) is skeptical to begin with, but heads out to Chicago to handle the case alone while Scully is stuck on desk duty, in a reversal of the situation we saw in Chinga. But unlike some of Vince Gilligan's latest episodes - e.g., Bad Blood, Small Potatoes - this one isn't dedicated to humor (which, frankly, is fine by me), and Scully soon joins the case - but not before Mulder wanders into a hostage situation (recalling yet another season 2 episode - Duane Barry).

At this point, you think you know where the episode is going, but it switches tracks halfway through. Whereas last week's episode had you second guessing who you could trust, this one effectively has you doubting whether Mulder's crazy theories aren't really just paranoia (for real this time!). Most episodes take a supernatural perspective - even as Scully proffers scientific explanations that nobody watching the show ever really believes, because this is The X-Files, after all. But this episode dedicates itself enough to the idea that this guy is crazy, that when it starts to consider the possibility that he could be telling the truth, it's more of a shock. Even if you still harbor doubts that Mulder could be reacting to some kind of paranoia-inducing agent, and fear that he might end up in another situation like what appeared to be the case in Bad Blood, and end up killing a "monster" that turns out to be an innocent human being.

Of course, it doesn't help that no one can see these monsters (and for once, this could actually be described as a monster-, rather than a freak-of-the-week episode) unless they already believe in them (which is a lot like what the Christian faith claims, but with actual pay-off!). You know, I just realized something. Mulder doesn't come off as crazy as he sounds (or would in real life) because he's usually right. And the viewer is let on to that fact because he gets to see all the supernatural stuff that goes on in these episodes. I bet that if you took an episode and cut out all the scenes of supernatural phenomena, the result would be something like the Garfield Minus Garfield webcomic - Mulder would finally be seen as the delusional paranoiac that he is. You could call it The X-Minus-X-Files!

Memorable quotes:

Mulder: Must have done something to piss him off.
Scully: What do you mean?
Mulder: Get stuck with this jerk-off assignment. Or have I finally reached that magic point in my career where every time somebody sees Bigfoot or the Virgin Mary on a tortilla, I get called out of my basement warren to offer my special insight on the matter?
Scully: You're saying "I" a lot. I heard "we".

Mulder: What if such a creature existed that could camouflage itself by clouding the minds of its victims? There are antecedents for it in nature, right? In the insect world - mantids, for instance. They're said to be able to hypnotize their prey.

Scully: Mulder, he was disturbed.
Mulder: Yeah, but did he see it because he was disturbed, or was he disturbed because he saw it?
Scully: He was mentally ill. This monster was a sick fantasy - a product of his dementia.
Mulder: I saw it, too.

Mulder: Scully, you have to believe me. Nobody else on this whole damn planet does, or ever will. You're my one in...five billion.

The X-Files - S5:E15 "Travelers"

[ S5:E14 "The Red and the Black" <<< Season 5 >>> S5:E16 "Mind's Eye" ]

And, we keep on chugging along! This is another period episode, like Unusual Suspects, which takes us back to 1990 (and even further). Scully is, once again, nowhere to be seen, and Mulder has only a few scenes (in which he touches his hair way too much). He's a profiler, working with the behavioral sciences unit in the FBI, and this may be his first run-in with an X-File. A man who had been killing people by somehow extracting their insides without tearing the skin mentions the name "Mulder" with his dying breath. Mulder consults the retired FBI agent - a man named Arthur Dales - who worked on the killer's case during the McCarthy era. The rest of the episode details the young Agent Dales' encounter with the killer, who turns out to have been the subject of top secret government experiments.

We learn about the genesis of the X-Files - when a resourceful secretary starts filing unsolved cases under 'X' where there's plenty of room. We get to see Mulder's father working for the government when he was young (Dean Aylesworth does a great job of imitating Peter Donat's mannerisms, as seen in episodes like Colony/End Game, and Anasazi), as a reluctant agent of the conspiracy. We also get to witness a great example of bureaucrats using the Red Scare as an excuse to unscrupulously wield power over innocents. And we get to see a really creepy spider-crab thing that lives inside of people's bodies, only coming out to feed. It's a pretty clever and unique twist on a freak-of-the-week episode, with some minor mythology connections, but as a period episode, I don't think it's as good as, say, Unusual Suspects, or Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man.

Memorable quotes:

Arthur Dales: Do you know what a...X-File is?
Mulder: It's, uh...yeah, it's an unsolved case.
Arthur Dales: No, it's a case that's been designated unsolved.

Edward Skur: I'm a family man, for God sake!
Agent Michel: Well, you should have thought of that before you decided to betray your country, red.

Agent Dales: I don't interest myself in politics, Mr. Cohn.
Mr. Cohn: Everything is political, Agent Dales.

Agent Dales: X-File?
Secretary: Yes, unsolved cases. I file them under 'X'.
Agent Dales: Why don't you file them under 'U', for "unsolved"?
Secretary: That's what I did until I ran out of room. Plenty of room in the 'X's.

Agent Dales: It's called xenotransplantation. It's, uh...the grafting of another species into the human body. It's a procedure that Nazi doctors experimented with during the war.

Director: If we are to defeat the enemy, we must use their tools. We must go further. We must do those things which even our enemies would be ashamed to do. It is only through strength that we can make our enemies fear us, and thereby ensure our own survival.

Mulder: I can't believe my father threw in with these men. He let them dictate his conscience.
Arthur Dales: Aw, don't fool yourself. None of us are free to choose. I was ruined for my insubordination. You keep digging through the X-Files, and they'll bury you, too.

The X-Files - S4:E21 "Zero Sum"

[ S4:E20 "Small Potatoes" <<< Season 4 >>> S4:E22 "Elegy" ]

Spoiler Warning: Like Memento Mori, this is another stand-alone mythology episode. So beware of spoilers!

We haven't really had stand-alone mythology episodes (not full mythology episodes) since the first season (or the second, if you count Red Museum, which was at least half monster-of-the-week, or One Breath, which was really the conclusion to Duane Barry/Ascension). It's kind of refreshing, though. By now, the mythology episodes have fallen into a routine, and it's nice to shake things up a bit. And this episode is particularly non-formulaic, focusing on Skinner to an extent we haven't seen since last season's Avatar. In fact, Scully is completely absent (which is surprising to me, because I was convinced 3 was the only episode in the series Gillian Anderson didn't appear in). It's a testament to the quality of this episode that you barely even notice her absence, and that Mulder's in only a few short scenes. Skinner drives the episode, but it's the conspiracy stuff we learn that really sells it.

The episode opens with a creepy, bee-related death, and then we see Skinner getting to work covering up the evidence, even going so far as to impersonate Mulder. For a moment, you wonder why Skinner would be involved in these kinds of shady dealings, until you remember that deal he made with the devil - er, the Smoking Man - in Memento Mori (which Mulder wises up to by the end of this episode). It's bad enough seeing Skinner stoop this low, but having to scrub a bathroom floor? That's just adding insult to injury. I imagine this is another example that contributes to Skinner's reputation as being sometimes untrustworthy. I think he's always been a man of justice, but he keeps managing to get himself into morally compromising situations. Or, at least, that's how it appears on the surface. We have to remember he's doing all of this for a noble cause! (I'm reminded of Judas Iscariot in Jesus Christ Superstar singing, "I will be dragged through the slime and the mud").

It's actually pretty neat to see a cleanup operation from an inside perspective for once. We've seen the aftereffects plenty of times before - a well-placed bullet here, a little creative arson there. With Skinner on the clock, we get to see the nitty, gritty details, and realize it's not as glamorous as it looks. (Although, it's fun seeing whether Skinner's cleanup is thorough enough to thwart Mulder's unparalleled investigative skills). I have to admit, when Skinner nearly got caught in the morgue, I was really afraid that he'd have to take out the guard. That's what a normal cleanup guy would do, but I couldn't see Skinner committing an unjustified act of murder in cold blood. That's something he'd never be able to return from. I'm glad it didn't turn out that way. Of course, he still manages to get nearly framed for murder when the Smoking Man sends in another assassin to smooth the corners on his cover-up. But that just encourages him to turn the tables and try to find out just what he's being ordered to cover up.

Which is where things really start to get interesting. I appreciated the reference to the events of Herrenvolk, which basically made explicit what we'd all been thinking ever since the bees turned up. And we actually get some answers for once! The bees are carrying an especially virulent strain of smallpox. To what end? The full answer yet eludes us, but we get to see the Syndicate again, which - apart from the Smoking Man making a personal visit to the Well-Manicured Man in Tunguska/Terma - we haven't seen all season. They make an eerie reference to a "trial run", after which we witness a horde of the lethal bees descending on a poor elementary school playground. Talk about sadistic! This episode ends with a thrilling conclusion that left me breathless - I haven't felt that way since the merchandise trilogy! Knowing that the coming season finale takes a bit of a detour from the main arc of the series' mythology (albeit an incredibly compelling detour), I really feel like this episode, rather than the finale, is the answer to the season's premiere.

Speaking of which, we also get to see Marita Covarrubias again, who has barely made any appearances of consequence throughout the season. It would be enough to drive home the impression that she's no worthy successor to X, and that her only function on the show is to add a little sex appeal (at least she succeeds at doing that). But finally she gets a significant development - she's working with the Smoking Man! I guess that shouldn't be surprising, since that's been the case with Mulder's previous informants. How else would they be able to leak information to Mulder? But since the start, Marita was different - she didn't seem to be involved in any of that. Finding out that she is is a little shocking, but the real betrayal is the fact that the Smoking Man knows she's helping Mulder, and that she knows he knows, and they're both in it together. I guess the conspirators have learned something since Deep Throat and X, and now they've planted an "informant" to keep tabs on Mulder (or whatever her true purpose happens to be).

Aside: At this stage, you begin to notice a pattern in most of the leads our heroes find that result in them uncovering little bits and pieces of the greater conspiracy. It's almost always caused by some kind of leak, something slipping through the cracks. Anasazi was the most obvious, with the hacking of the MJ documents. But it goes back at least to The Erlenmeyer Flask, when a test subject escaped, making the news. Red Museum was the result of some pervert deciding to shed light on the government's secret experiments, all because he cared too much about the kids who were unwittingly being used as subjects. Nisei all started with a MUFON member's lucky recording of a satellite transmission depicting a government-sanctioned alien autopsy. And the events of Talitha Cumi were predicated on one of the cloned hybrids losing faith in the "project" and choosing to use his powers for the good of mankind.

In this episode, everything we learn is because one of the conspirators' packages filled with bees was damaged en route, and the bees unexpectedly killed a postal worker. It would be tempting to say that this is exactly why conspiracies don't work - there are too many moving parts, and it's way too easy for one of them to break, causing the whole thing to fall apart. But, on the other hand, it's a testament to how thorough (and important) the cleanup crews are. Sure, some quick investigators like Mulder and Scully might be able to sneak a peak behind the curtain every now and then, but they never seem to get off with any hard evidence (and, of course, nobody will believe them on their word, because conspiracies sound crazy). Or, when they do - as in the case of Paper Clip - the conspirators hold so much power that they can usually get what they want just by leveraging the right people's lives and reputations.

Memorable quotes:

Smoking Man: I'm not here to answer your questions.

(Well, at least he's up front about that).

Skinner: I won't be a party to murder.
Smoking Man: I wouldn't get too comfortable on your moral high ground, Mr. Skinner.

Smoking Man: You're in no position to question the terms of our arrangement.
Skinner: Then we have no arrangement.
Smoking Man: You'll find it's not that easy to walk away from, Mr. Skinner.
Skinner: No?
Smoking Man: A man digs a hole, he risks falling into it.

(It's so creepy hearing the Smoking Man talk to Skinner about their "arrangement", because it brings back memories of Krycek in Ascension. Skinner, on the level of Krycek, before Krycek even had the balls to stick up for himself? That's low).

Skinner: You're saying this man was stung by bees carrying smallpox?

(Just imagine, for a moment, the horror of this statement).

Smoking Man: It's been taken care of. The details are unimportant.
Elder: Details are everything. Much more important than your vague assurances.

Smoking Man: Yours isn't the first gun I've had pointed in my face, Mr. Skinner. I'm not afraid to die. But if you kill me now, you'll also kill Agent Scully.

Smoking Man: I'm sure Mulder will be contacting you. He'll want to know if Skinner's seen all there is to see.
Marita Covarrubias: I'll tell him what you want me to tell him.
Smoking Man: Tell him what he wants to hear.

(This is just one of the Smoking Man's amazingly subtle lines. He's a liar, for sure, so maybe he's just being coy. But at the same time, you get this feeling that he's playing such a dirty game, that he can afford to tell Mulder the truth (well, bits of it, anyway), and it doesn't make a difference, because he holds all the cards. On the other hand, you could take it to mean that he doesn't want her to answer Mulder's questions so much as give Mulder the cover story he's looking for, in the sense of believing in crazy shit that's not even true (although he doesn't know that). It's like the scene in Paper Clip, in the garden, when the Well-Manicured Man details the plan to create hybrids and catalog the public and whatnot. As the viewer, you're thinking, this is great! But how come he's revealing so much to Mulder? Isn't he the enemy? And Scully comes in with the whole, "he's only telling you what you want to hear" argument and walks off. And then Mulder questions him, "why are you telling me this?" And he replies, "it's what you want to hear - isn't it?" And it makes you think he's lying, making a game out of it, like Mulder and Scully both suspected Deep Throat of doing on occasion. But at the same time, you can't help but wonder if what he said was exactly true. God, I can't believe how much is communicated (and at the same time, not communicated) by this one little almost-throwaway line. And all of that - that doesn't even touch on the thrilling revelation that Marita Covarrubias is working with the conspirators... Wow).

The X-Files - S3:E12 "War of the Coprophages"

[ S3:E11 "Revelations" <<< Season 3 >>> S3:E13 "Syzygy" ]

You can say a lot of things about Darin Morgan's episodes - indeed, a lot has been said - but "they're forgettable" isn't one of them. Even the one I didn't like so much - Humbug - is still pretty memorable. This is the one with killer cockroaches. Interestingly, it's the most straightforward of Darin Morgan's episodes - while still instilled with lots of situational humor, and an intuitive grasp of the lead characters. That may be why it's fans' least favorite of the bunch, but I like it - better than Humbug, at least. Misdirection - which was popular in Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose - is definitely a recurring theme: the episode opens with a man - presumably some kind of scientist - giving a reverent speech about the wonders of the cockroach, only to reveal that he is an exterminator. But in this episode, the roaches get their revenge.

There's a particular feel about this episode that sets it apart - not just due to Darin Morgan's writing. It feels as though this is an example of how the agents spend their weekends. Mulder is out staring at the stars, while waiting out the fumigation of his apartment, and - dedicated to his work as he is - gets roped into the middle of a case involving a series of roach-related deaths in a Massachusetts town. Scully hangs out at home, periodically giving Mulder tips by telephone. At first, he seems to be looking for any excuse to bring her out on the case, but she's so quick to come up with easy explanations for all the phenomena Mulder is encountering, that it eliminates the need to go to that trouble. That is, until things escalate to the point that she wants to join the case - but by then, Mulder has become smitten with a hot, young entomologist, and could care less if Scully shows up.

More so than Darin Morgan's other episodes, this one goes for the gross-out factor - not just the bugs themselves, but them burrowing into one guy's skin, and even one death that occurs on the toilet (I have to admit, to this day, when I'm sitting on the toilet, I periodically think about - not roaches - but what Scully says in this episode about the possibility that straining too hard can cause a brain aneurysm...). But when the episode stoops to cheap tactics like simulating a cockroach crawling across your television screen, or a couple of shitty puns (literally), I have to check out. On the other hand, there are some fascinating theories posed, like explaining UFOs as bioluminescent insect swarms, or the idea that intelligent lifeforms could send robotic probes disguised as insects to explore other planets. This isn't Darin Morgan's best episode, but it's good for a viewing.

Memorable quotes:

Exterminator: Compared to the roach, we are gods, and must therefore act accordingly. (Stomps on cockroach).

Mulder: Did you ever look up into the night sky and feel certain that, not only was something up there, but...it was looking down on you at that exact same moment, and was just as curious about you as you are about it?
Scully: Mulder, I think the only thing more fortuitous than the emergence of life on this planet is that through purely random laws of biological evolution, an intelligence as complex as ours ever emanated from it. The very idea of intelligent alien life is not only astronomically improbable, but at its most basic level, downright anti-Darwinian.

Sheriff: Killer bees were a genetic experiment gone awry, let loose on an unsuspecting populace. Who's to say the government hasn't created a new breed of killer cockroaches?

Mulder: Did you know that the federal government under the guise of the Department of Agriculture has been conducting secret experiments up here?
Scully: Mulder, you're not thinking about trespassing onto government property again, are you? I know that you've done it in the past, but I don't think that this case warrants -
Mulder: It's too late, I'm already inside.

(Darin Morgan is totally lampooning mythology episodes here - even the visuals are in on the joke, as Mulder scales a chest-high fence and picks a lock, as if robbing a suburban home instead of sneaking into the military installations and other places of real danger that he frequently infiltrates).

Mulder: I hate insects.
Scully: You know, lots of people are afraid of insects, Mulder. It's a natural, instinctive -
Mulder: No, no, no, I'm not afraid of them - I hate them. One day back when I was a kid, I was climbing this tree when I noticed this leaf walking towards me. It took me forever to realize that it was no leaf.
Scully: A praying mantis?
Mulder: Yeah, I had a praying mantis epiphany, and as a result I screamed - not a girly scream, but the scream of someone being confronted by some before unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited. Did you ever notice how a praying mantis's head resembles an alien's head? The mysteries of the natural world were revealed to me that day, but instead of being astounded, I was...repulsed.

Scully: Have you seen any cockroaches yourself?
Panicked Citizen: No, but they're everywhere.

(A textbook symptom of mass hysteria).

Mulder: Where are you?
Scully (looking at a map): I'm at a convenience store on the outskirts of, uh...civilization.

Dr. Eckerle: How do I know that you're not a cockroach?
Mulder: I assure you, Dr. Eckerle, I'm just as human as you are - if not more so.

Mulder: The development of our cerebral cortex has been the greatest achievement of the evolutionary processes. Big deal. While allowing us the thrills of intellect and the pangs of self-consciousness, it is all too often overruled by our inner, instinctive brain - the one that tells us to react, not reflect, to run rather than ruminate. Maybe we have gone as far as we can go, and the next advance - whatever that may be - will be made by beings we create ourselves, using our own technology. Lifeforms we can design and program not to be ultimately governed and constricted by the rules of survival. Or perhaps that step forward has already been achieved on another planet, by organisms that had a billion years headstart on us. If these beings ever visited us, would we recognize what we were seeing? And upon catching sight of us, would they react in anything but horror at seeing such mindless, primitive, hideous creatures?

The X-Files - S1:E20 "Darkness Falls"

[ S1:E19 "Shapes" <<< Season 1 >>> S1:E21 "Tooms" ]

We're in the wind-up now - that last leg of the season leading up to the finale! In this episode, Mulder and Scully head out to the atmospheric (and rainy) woods of Vancouver - er, I mean Washington state - to investigate the mysterious disappearance of an entire logging crew. Their best suspect is a group of eco-terrorists, but you and I both know that something stranger is afoot. Certainly, Mulder suspects as much. Man-eating insects, perhaps? There's some genuine suspense in this episode, with the ever-present threat of the lights going out, and the conclusion is somewhat unexpected; although the doom and gloom ending note loses some of its potency when you remember that this is a monster-of-the-week episode, and everything's bound to be fine come next week. Still, I give the writers credit for trying.

Memorable quotes:

Scully: And you suspect what...Bigfoot?

Masters of Horror: Season One (2005)

Masters of Horror is a series of one-hour short films that ran on Showtime, directed by many of the seminal horror directors of our time. The idea originated from a series of cordial dinner outings shared by a group of directors (many of which are represented in this series) spearheaded by Mick Garris. The project is unique in that it gives each director a clean slate to work from, to produce a short film in ten days, with practically nonexistent interference from any studios or higher-ups, to be run on television. I have just finished watching the first season, so I will review each of the episodes below. It may be worth noting that I did not watch the episodes in the order that they aired, but rather in the apparently random order they came in my box set.

Title: Jenifer
Director: Dario Argento
You might remember his film...Suspiria (1977)

Premise: Steven Weber stars in a screenplay he wrote based on a short comic about a man's unhealthy obsession with a feral creature that possesses the body of a beautiful woman, coupled with a monstrous face.

Opinion: I suppose I was expecting something a little more "colorful" from Dario Argento, but Jenifer left me feeling kind of lukewarm. It's a good story, and I really like that it approaches the topic of sex and sexual obsession, but the story really isn't that deep, and you can pretty much see where it's going after the first five minutes. Still, it is an interesting premise, although I'm not convinced that the male libido is so strong that a man would protect a carnivorous monster just because she's got a great rack, unless there's something supernatural at work. Dario brings his Italian sensibilities to the picture, which means he's not squeamish about the marriage of sex and violence like so many Americans are, although the result is that he was one of the only directors on the project who had to make a few cuts to his picture. In spite of the theme and the unflinching gore, I found this episode struggling to lift itself above "TV anthology horror" quality.

Title: Cigarette Burns
Director: John Carpenter
You might remember his film...Halloween (1978)

Premise: Norman Reedus (Daryl on The Walking Dead) stars as a cinephile and rare film finder hired to track down an obscure French film (La Fin Absolue du Monde, "The Absolute End of the World") which is rumored to have the power to whip everyone who watches it up into a mad frenzy of ultraviolence.

Opinion: I was genuinely impressed with this episode, which kept my attention glued to the screen throughout. Credit goes to the actors and director, of course, but also to the story, which, as an artist keenly attentive to issues of censorship and the power of art over people's lives, I found to be utterly fascinating. I agree with the director that the idea of a film being a weapon that induces violence is cockamamie, but as a fantasy it thrills the mind, and this episode explores under what fictional consequences might such a thing actually be possible. It is, in a Cartesian sense, a horrible vision of the natural progression of the idea that art moves people. Furthermore, it plays on the excitement every film buff experiences when in search of rare and infamous films.



Title: Pick Me Up
Director: Larry Cohen
You might remember his film...It's Alive (1974)

Premise: Two very different but equally charismatic serial killers match wits against one another when they both encounter a bus full of travelers broken down by the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.

Opinion: I wasn't familiar with Larry Cohen going into this episode so I didn't know what to expect, but it turned out to be really excellent. The two killers - one a hitchhiker and the other a trucker (named Walker and Wheeler) - are both really captivating on screen, and despite being villains, become your favorite characters. I suppose that means this episode isn't all that scary, as you're never particularly rooting for their victims, but it is lots of fun. You get to see their two different approaches to the trade, and how they clash when they both set eyes on the same prey. Very much recommended.


Title: Incident On And Off A Mountain Road
Director: Don Coscarelli
You might remember his film...Phantasm (1979)

Premise: A woman tries to escape a mutant serial killer in the mountains after a car accident, while thinking back on her relationship with the man who taught her the survival skills she'll need to stay alive.

Opinion: A fairly straightforward premise proves to be a rather clever and interesting juxtaposition of storylines, chronicling the lead actress' evolving relationship with a survivalist, and how those experiences have given her the knowledge and confidence to face her life-threatening chase through the woods with strength and ingenuity. For once, we get a heroine who is not helpless - even if some of her MacGyver-meets-The-Goonies antics (challenge: build a tripwire slingshot with a stick, a pocket knife, a pair of panties, and a length of skirt, and do it in the dark, before that deformed homicidal psycho catches up to you!) at times stretch the audience's credulity - that ultimately leads to a fresh and original ending. The balance of suspense and comfort between the two interposed storylines is handled exceptionally well. If this episode did not engage me quite as enthusiastically as Pick Me Up or Cigarette Burns, in the end it proves itself to be a worthy addition to the Masters of Horror series.


Title: Homecoming
Director: Joe Dante
You might remember his film...The Howling (1981)

Premise: The dead rise - but it's not brains, it's suffrage they want in this political satire condemning the Bush administration's unpopular war in Iraq.

Opinion: One of the great things about Masters of Horror is that - especially in conjunction with the DVD special features - it places an emphasis on the director, giving him more of a character and a personality than you might get by just watching movies through the years. Joe Dante was an unfamiliar name to me, but in addition to working on the Roger Corman-spearheaded Jaws knock-off Piranha, he also directed one of my favorite werewolf movies - the classic The Howling - as well as Gremlins, which, despite its comedic approach, gave me nightmares when I watched it as a child. Even though politics isn't really my thing, I respect Joe Dante for having the guts to tell a story with such a blatant political agenda. And despite it's - what some may call 'preachiness' - it's pretty entertaining, too. Although the premise's requirement that the zombies be sympathetic and not frightening characters detracts from its horror value, it does on the other hand present a refreshingly original (if irretrievably dated to the Bush administration) take in what has become an oversaturated subgenre of horror.


Title: Chocolate
Director: Mick Garris
You might remember his film...Stephen King's The Stand (1994)

Premise: The mastermind behind Masters of Horror Mick Garris writes and directs this psychological horror about a man who develops a psychic connection with a woman and is able to experience her feelings and sensations from the inside out.

Opinion: When I started watching Masters of Horror, the main question that hung on my mind was, knowing TV's reputation compared to film, could these master filmmakers manage to create a series whose quality exceeded that which one would expect from a TV anthology show? And so far, the evidence has been pointing overwhelmingly to "yes". Chocolate, despite being more of a psychological thriller than a straight horror, is no exception. In fact, it manages to conjure one of the creepier and more believable middle-of-the-night intruder-in-the-house scenes I can recall seeing. The premise is pretty interesting, and invokes a good bit of mystery, if it is a fairly arbitrary device to provide most of the piece's horror. Still, the character and his experiences are fascinating, and this story does include some sex and nudity. So, it's definitely no waste of an hour.


Title: Dreams In The Witch-House
Director: Stuart Gordon
You might remember his film...Re-Animator (1985)

Premise: In this adaptation of an H.P. Lovecraft story, a graduate student rents a room in an old house that is haunted by a witch hiding out in an alternate dimension who seduces victims into committing heinous deeds.

Opinion: I don't know whether to credit H.P. Lovecraft for the story - and his uniquely effective approach to horror - or Stuart Gordon (who has directed several other H.P. Lovecraft story adaptations in the past), but this episode of Masters of Horror was excellent. The crossing of these two minds is, perhaps, a match made in hell, as Gordon's approach to horror is equally impressive. He doesn't believe there is such a thing as "going too far", and he thinks the most effective horror stories are those where the creator breaks the rules, so you don't know what to expect (an opinion with which I wholeheartedly agree). In this story, the life of an innocent baby is in jeopardy, a witch takes advantage of string theory (for real!) to manipulate space and time, and her familiar - a rat with a human face - crawls around creeping people out. Plus we get a glimpse of the Necronomicon! Leave it to Lovecraft to get the creative juices flowing: I feel inspired to finally get around to reading his stories, as well as checking out some of Stuart Gordon's other films.


Title: Dance of the Dead
Director: Tobe Hooper
You might remember his film...Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Premise: Robert Englund (the original Freddy Krueger) stars in this adaptation of a Richard Matheson story as the MC of a gothic night club in a war-torn, post-apocalyptic, urban wasteland.

Opinion: Jessica Lowndes is illuminating as the last piece of innocence in a land ravaged by chemical warfare, even as she is seduced and corrupted by a group of punk thugs. This story is a dark and energetic look at an apocalyptic world where everyone has lost something, and few have the luxury to cling onto any sense of decency or morality. It's a pretty good story, but I unfortunately have to count the erratic cinematography against it. I know Tobe Hooper (who also directed Steven Spielberg's Poltergeist) has good reasons for making that stylistic decision - and it does put you into the zero-to-sixty mindspace of these characters - but it really detracted from my enjoyment of the episode with the constant camera movement and double, triple, quadruple images. A more judicious use of that device might have proved less annoying, but at least, the quality of the material underneath that filter was very good.


Title: Deer Woman
Director: John Landis
You might remember his film...An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Premise: A Native American legend about a half-woman, half-deer seductress comes to life in this tale of a jaded police officer's hunt for redemption.

Opinion: As to be expected from the man who directed Animal House and The Blues Brothers, John Landis mixes some humor into his episode of Masters of Horror. But, I'm happy to say, it's an intelligent and straight-faced humor, that doesn't undermine the horror of the piece. In fact, I like what he said in the interview special feature about trying to approach [both comedy and] horror with realism - not in terms of the supernatural themes, but in terms of the character's reactions to what's going on; that also has the effect of making them both more likable and more relatable. In this case, the characters recognize the absurdity of the concept of a deer woman seducing and then murdering men, but they're forced to accept the premise by the evidence that appears before them, while the mythical killer's own credibility and dangerousness is not reduced by its statistical and scientific improbability. The result is a pretty fun, if silly, story - and in truth, horror isn't always about being scary, it's about having a good time, too.


Title: The Fair Haired Child
Director: William Malone
You might remember his film...House On Haunted Hill (1999)

Premise: A schoolgirl is abducted by a distraught couple to feed a monster they summoned in a Satanic ritual to bring back their drowned son.

Opinion: To be honest, this was the first episode in a while that I felt was struggling to lift itself above TV anthology quality (in spite of that premise). However, the monster was very creepy - thanks to an effective design and the director's unsettling use of camera tricks. It looked and felt almost like something that could have escaped from The SCP Foundation. There is also a surreal element to this episode, sometimes bordering on the absurd. It wasn't bad, at all, but the basement ordeal drags a bit, and the ending, while twisty, just has too much of a happy-positive feeling. The bad guys aren't supposed to get their comeuppance, and the good guys aren't supposed to live happily ever after - as rarely happens in real life - that's part of what makes a good horror so unsettling.


Title: Sick Girl
Director: Lucky McKee
You might remember his film...May (2002)

Premise: A quirky entomologist enters a sweet romance with an erratic artist, which is disturbed by an aggressive monster bug that impregnates humans.

Opinion: The odds are against Lucky McKee. He's one of the newest and least experienced directors called on to the Masters of Horror project, his episode's story - about a parasitic bug - could easily fall into TV anthology territory, and his episode is as much romantic comedy as it is horror. And yet, he manages to churn out one of the more entertaining episodes in this series. He decides to make the protagonist female, thus allowing himself the opportunity to tell a somewhat more unusual story of an endearing lesbian romance. And the actress opposite the lead is none other than Erin Brown a.k.a. Misty Mundae - my favorite softcore porn actress! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her in this role, and she was perfect for it! The constant presence of the bugs that the lead is so enamored with maintains a creepiness factor throughout the story, even before the real horror erupts - and when it does, it's suitably devastating. I'm really impressed with what this unfamiliar director has done with his opportunity to join the Masters of Horror, and I'm intrigued by the other directing projects he's done so far.


Title: Haeckel's Tale
Director: John McNaughton
You might remember his film...Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

Premise: In this period piece adapted from a Clive Barker story, a man in mourning seeks the aid of a necromancer to bring back his deceased wife, and learns of the horror of love that transcends death.

Opinion: I was very excited to see Clive Barker's name attached to an episode of Masters of Horror, as he is an excellent writer, who writes disturbing and original stories. And John McNaughton succeeds at bringing this story to life, without shying away from the disturbing element of sexual perversity that flavors many of Barker's stories (not least of which includes the sadomasochistic overtones in Hellraiser). In this case, we have what I can enthusiastically report is the most erotic zombie sex scene I have ever seen, thanks in no small part to the casting of Leela Savasta who, as an art model, is not only comfortable with nudity, but possesses a flawless physical beauty. Other horror contained in this episode includes some re-animated dogs, which have that same excellently creepy feel as the dog in The Fly II which I love to fear so much. Additionally, the story is structured in a way - not unfamiliar in Clive Barker's stories - that it doesn't quite go in the predictable and cliched direction you might expect, instead ending up somewhere disturbing on a wholly novel level. Excellently done.


Title: Imprint
Director: Takashi Miike
You might remember his film...Audition (1999)

Premise: An American visits a notorious brothel in Meiji era Japan in search of his lost love. But the story he extracts from a prostitute gets increasingly disturbing the closer he comes to the truth.

Opinion: I had been looking forward to seeing Takashi Miike's episode of Masters of Horror ever since I started watching the series, after he impressed me with the deeply disturbing Audition years ago. Here, he does not disappoint. Imprint is easily the most unsettling episode in this series, which has the crucial distinction of being the only episode that Showtime wouldn't air. The setting of a seedy Meiji era brothel is intriguing, and the story just gets darker and darker as the protagonist plunges down the rabbit hole, delving into the past of one of the prostitutes - beautiful, in spite of her disfigured face - and her cohabitation with the woman he loved. The torture scene is brutally uncomfortable, in that uniquely subtle Japanese way, which distinguishes itself from the more aggressive American approach. I'm very happy that the Masters of Horror made a point to include a director to represent Asian horror in their series, and I couldn't be happier with their choice of Takashi Miike. If there is one complaint I have against this episode, it's that the actors' thick Japanese accents are at times hard to understand. I would just as soon have watched the episode in Japanese with English subtitles, but I understand this episode was filmed with an American audience distinctly in mind.

In conclusion, I can say that I am very impressed with the first season of Masters of Horror. It exceeded my modest expectations of a television anthology series, and lived up to its promise given the level of talent involved. Most importantly, I had a lot of fun watching these short films, and learning more about the directors behind the camera. Doing so has repeatedly sparked my inspiration, and led me to seek out many of the other titles several of these directors have previously worked on. I look forward to getting an opportunity at some point in the future to see the second season of Masters of Horror, and I urge all dedicated horror fans to give this series a look!